MY STORY

Myself and my two siblings were reared by a father struggling with addiction issues and a godly mother who was committed for life to her marraige, codependent and afraid.  Like so many people in similar situations, she didn't see how she could support us if she left the abuse.  It is not my intention to cast any type of blame anywhere...there are too many factors to consider.  However, partly due to those factors,  I grew up with very mixed ideas of what Christianity was all about and wasn't able to truly understand the concept of a loving Heavenly Father. 

Since our view of our Heavenly Father is directly related to our image of our earthly father, my walk with God was greatly affected in later life.   In school, I remember, going to the counselor for help with the violent behaviors I was dealing with at home.  She was precious and would even shed a tear at times.  But, no one would help because everything was kept SECRET!  As a result of their inability to help me, I didn't feel I could trust those in authority.

You see, families with addiction issues have what they think is a SECRET!  Since most of us didn't have air conditioning at that time, our windows were usually open so everyone living around us heard all the commotion from the violent episodes but no one dared to say anything and neither did we or saw they thought.  We did share with our friends who I know became sick of listening to the whining after a while.  After all, who wants to be around someone negative and crying all the time.  We couldn’t have friends over very often because we never knew when it would be a “bad night.”  But it was a SECRET!  So, we carried around all the baggage with nowhere to put it.  I don't believe either of our parents realized the trauma that we would all carry into adulthood nor that most parents would choose that life for their children.  But, such is the affect of addiction and abuse in a family. 

After years of all types of abuse, I was thrown out of my childhood home by my father who went into an alcoholic rage right after my 18^th birthday.  So many times through the years I had been told, “you’re a mess, no good, worthless, no good for nothing sorry##@!!, ...).  At that very moment, I chose to believe the lie myself even though I had kept fairly high morals up to that time and mentally knew none of it was true.  I began to picture myself as that loser that had been described to me so many times.

There is no need at this time, to go into all the details of that period of my life, but basically I just kept trying to correct one mistake with another mistake and then another mistake.  Ultimately, I had failed relationships, uncontrollable behaviors, and irresponsible actions and couldn’t love the two children I had during that time, the way they deserved to be loved.  My goodness, I couldn’t love myself….how could I love anyone else. 

I am sharing all this because God healed me from all the abuse.  There was so much abuse, rejection, humiliation, anger, shame and guilt in my life that I got lost in the shuffle as many others do.  But, God is the miracle working God.  IN SPITE OF ME, and all that I had done, and that had been done to me, He  brought me out of the darkness of sin and pain and placed my feet in the steps He planned for me since the beginning of time.  You see, He knew I loved him with the capacity I had to love.

On a cool spring evening in 1989, I met the Lord in a whole new way, at a ladies retreat held out in the country.  I was forever changed and have continued to grow everyday.  You see, we can never KNOW our God completely so we need to realize we never quit growing and never have all the answers.  God began to change me, my desire, hopes, dreams, habits and speech.  A few weeks later, my husband told everyone what a good wife I had become and praised what had happened to me and in our family life.  But, a few short months after that, my husband of 13 yrs, decided he didn’t want the lifestyle of a believing wife, left me with our 8 yr. old daughter, all the bills and massive debt.  Turning to God, I put my trust in Him and wouldn’t let go.  Although it appeared to the natural eye that everything was lost for my little girl and me, it was actually God beginning the process of answering every prayer I had ever prayed through that disappointment.

Through it all, staying close to God, I never accepted anything other than His Word, and not long after the divorce was finalized, He brought Mark into our lives.  A relationship with anyone but God wasn't something I needed and told Him so.  I was determined that He would have to bring someone to my door if that was His plan for me, because I wasn’t going to mess anything else up in my life.  A few months after divorce, God brought what would be my godly husband into my life.  

The first time I ever saw Mark was on my front porch as a blind date.  Our God has such a sense of humor, neither of us were remotely attracted to each other and were complete opposites on top of that.  However, God drew us closer and we were married I year to the day after that.  Like many people, however, we brought some emotional baggage with us.  God was still in control. 

So, even though a lot of healing took place during our marriage and we did have challenges to overcome, down deep we knew God had put us together and could build a marriage that would withstand the test of time. People often wonder where God is in the midst of difficulties but He is there working behind the scenes just like he was in our lives.  He healed, empowered and equipped us, using those things that were meant for harm as we minister to others furthering His Kingdom.  He knows the Big Picture!   

Mark and I are honored to be used now to minister to other families, couples, and individuals.  My prayers have been answered and we are now able to help others believe that their prayers will be answered as well.

Had it not been for Jesus, none of my life would make any sense at all.  He gave His life for me, giving me a new life; it is life much more abundant than I could think or imagine.  He taught me how to love so I can be a loving wife, mother and grandmother.  He provided a comfortable home with all our needs met.  Dependable transportation is not an issue when we need to go somewhere.  The desire of my heart was to get a good education and help others, so He enabled me to complete my doctoral degree and equipped me as a Christian Counselor, teacher and public speaker.  He encouraged us to have fun so we ride a motorcycle together for times of relaxation and spend time together traveling when we get the chance.  We are part of a local church fellowship where we receive and give love one to another encouraging one another to grow a little more each day.  It is a better life than I ever could have imagined. 

I am sharing these things not to boast in any way other than on the Lord, but to bring you hope that I didn’t realize was there at one point in my life.  You see, I thought my life was ruined when I was rejected as a child and my life began to spiral out of control.  “We are who we think we are.”  So, allow God to move in and change any wrong thought patterns (lies of the enemy).  Jesus said He would send us the Holy Spirit to comfort us and He is there all the time.  However, we must participate with Him as He brings change to our lives.

Be happy!  It is a choice.  There is LIFE after divorce, addictive behaviors, and abuse whether it is physical, sexual, emotional or verbal.  It happened for me, it can happen for you!  God is still God!

With a very thankful heart

Dianna